I do. And I’d do it all over again.
There are lots of things no one tells you about marriage: It’s hard. It’s frustrating, at times. It can be lonely … and sometimes boring. But it can also be infinitely rewarding.
Today is Steve’s and my 21st anniversary. I’m very lucky that—above all else—my years with Steve have been infinitely rewarding. But I’ve also made some heartbreaking mistakes, and I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way.
In the (extremely remote) possibility that I’ve stumbled upon some Undiscussed Universal Truth about marriage, today I offer some of those lessons in hindsight.
Go to bed angry. Few problems can be solved by shouting (or blubbering) at 3 a.m. Plus, your problems will likely seem smaller in the morning.
Sweat the small stuff. Flowers and diamonds are lovely. But what your spouse really wants is yogurt … clean sheets … cold beer … whatever. The small, unexpected gestures speak volumes.
Sweat the small stuff, Part 2. The little things can make—but also break—a marriage. So if you know your spouse dislikes something, stop doing it. Or at least try.
Give in. Marriage can be summed up in one word: compromise. You can’t always have your way. Sometimes you can negotiate. But sometimes you just have to give in.
Stick together. There will be times when you’ll feel exceptionally close, and others when you’ll feel painfully distanced and lonely. Both come and go. Hang in there through the latter.
Be apart. Khalil Gibran said it best: “… let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” Spend time apart. It will enrich your time together.
Expect change. But accept that it won’t happen in quite the way you expect.
Dream about the future. It gives you something to work toward together.
Don’t sweat the past. You’ll both make mistakes. You’ll accidentally hurt each other. It’s inevitable … and it’s OK. It’s in the past.
Be grateful. Every day is a gift. And if you’re exceptionally lucky—as I’ve been—you’ll be able to look back after 21 years and say, “I’d do it all over again.”
Happy anniversary, my love. Here’s to the next 21!
Filed under: Friends and family, Minnesota, On this day in history, Psychology | 7 Comments
Tags: Khalil Gibran, Marriage, milestones, postaday2011, Psychology, Steve, wedding anniversary
Love it!!! Happy Anny!!! Even if it is a day late. 21 years that is great. And yes marriage is hard. I’ve only been married going on 5 years, but I would say I do over again also. Congrats again. :0)
Thanks so much for your kind words! And congrats to you, too. I think the first few years are actually the toughest, because it’s such a life adjustment. But I’m so glad you’d take the plunge again, as well. It’s so well worth it, isn’t it …
Hi,
I am writing a book called “So…How Did You Meet Anyway?” It is a collection of people’s “how we met” stories.
I have posted the stories which have been sent in on;
So…How Did You Meet Anyway?
http://wwwsohowdidyoumeet.blogspot.com/
I am always shopping for stories and I would like to add yours. Please check out the site, and if you would like to contribute your “how we met” story contact me at;
susan.amestoy@gmail.com
And if you would like any more information about the upcoming book, here is a link to a television interview I did in May.
http://www.wcax.com/story/14708398/author-collecting-love-stories
Take care and…congratulations!
Susan
What a kind note, Susan — and what a great book concept! I’ll drop you a note via email, but in case anyone else is curious: Steve and I met in college, working in my dorm’s cafeteria. We started out as a team on the dish-washing machine, which was a huge contraption with a conveyor belt and adjustable speed settings on both ends. Once we learned how to work the thing, we’d “race” by turning up the speed on each others’ ends. We broke a lot of dishes that way, so it didn’t take long to get reassigned to “pots and pans.” I scrubbed, he rinsed, and then usually sent the pans back for more scrubbing. I joke that it’s been the same ever since, but it’s true: To this day, he’s still holding my hand-washed items up to the light and shaking his head at my sloppiness.
Excellent! Congratulations. 21? Does that mean your marriage has finally grown up?
Yes … our marriage is *finally* old enough to order a drink. Ha, ha!
My partner and I are in our 10th year together but we only got married six months ago. I like your nuggets of wisdom. It has taken me many years to learn what I know today – and no doubt I have more to learn as well. Congratulations on your anniversary