I need brain surgery? Really?!
This is one in a series of occasional posts about life with a brain tumor. If you’re new to HeatherBlog, welcome! You can get the full story here.
I had a follow-up MRI a couple of weeks ago. And a few days ago, I got a call from my neurosurgeon’s nurse. “No significant progression,” she said. “The tumor seems stable.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d been granted a reprieve for another six months.
But today the other shoe dropped. My neurologist copied me on his letter to update my regular physician. “As you are well aware,” he wrote, “we are advising surgical intervention.”
Why no, I wasn’t well aware. I think I would have remembered if someone had mentioned the words “craniotomy” or “brain surgery” in the course of casual conversation.
“There must be some mistake!” I thought to myself as I re-read the letter, hoping for a different outcome. Alas, the words were clear as day. My mind was reeling.
One of the things that has struck me about this brain tumor stuff is that the emotional fallout is very much like going through the five stages of grief.
Over the past few months, I’ve experienced everything from bargaining to anger and depression. And over the past few weeks I’d finally been inching toward acceptance.
My doctor’s letter has reset the entire process and put me back into denial: Surely he is confusing me with another patient! His letter must be a mistake!
It’s Friday night, so I won’t get any answers for a few days. But already I’m weighing my options. I can take my doctor’s advice—and in the process, lose some of my vision and risk other serious deficits. Or I can forgo the surgery and gamble everything on the hope that the tumor will stay put for a while.
Tough choice.
Filed under: Brain tumor, Psychology | 1 Comment
Tags: astrocytoma, brain surgery, Brain tumor, craniotomy, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, grief
Craniotomies are scary! There is no doubt about that. I broke down sobbing when the neurosurgeon told me and I called my fiancé internationally from his office (still sobbing) and told him he had to come to Minnesota ASAP. I think he understood about 25% of what I said because I was just that terrified. But, I needed to do it! And I’m happy I did. If I hadn’t I would have started haveing lots of problems. I know a great doctor and I would be happy to recommend him. I did research on him and he’s one of the best in the country. Plus, I have tons of brain surgery experience now so PLEASE email me with any questions. The worst part (more than the fear) was not having anyone to talk to and not many people understood what I was going through.